I guess this has become an avenue for me to voice out my feeling without worrying people. Posting on facebook will only garner peoples attention and of which i didnt want her to worry. From texting her today i can see that she is really scared that i will avoid her (or maybe that might be my wishful thinking). Keep asking me if i am free to meet and stuff, but that maybe its just cause i am her "daddy".

Somehow i have self assumed myself to be of that position from i don't know when as i guess i was really showing concern which are more of what her dad will do and hence she decided to label me as somewhat her "daddy". I guess that it all i shall ever become in her mind forever. I don't know how long i can last as that.

I get pretty moody over small stuff recently, i wonder if its my mood swing periods agian. Though guys don't have periods, but i do believe that our hormone levels do change as well, and as a result mood will change. I was telling her about some newspaper article about how Singaporean singles are turning to mobile dating apps just for information and cause i felt it was interesting. Her reply kind of like shocked me i guess. I know she didn't meant it that way, it isnt her nature to mean it that way afterall she is a nice and loving person. But she re-iterating that shes attached wasnt really needed. I, for one, know it too clear, even more clear than she would be. Those words just stung like a bee on me for i don't know what reason, which kept me pretty off my usual mood in the morning.

Though not up to my best performance, but luckily and thankful we won the match today if not i might not forgive myself again for such a thing occuring agian. On the way back i tried to do something quite bad i must say, i sort of wanted to tell her how i felt, but the usual character of me stopped myself, and somehow i managed to phrase it in a joking manner which i hope she would not pick out any meaning from it. From her replies i can see that it might just be my own one sided feelings. i suppose she regards me as a best friend or even a "daddy" only. "I'm not a nice girl for you, you need a very very nice girlgirl" those were her words. Thats when reality actually hit me. i don't really know how to say or write it out now, but i guess that how i knew what she was thinking. Honestly how do you define nice as nice, and yourself as not nice, that the only thing that puzzles me. Maybe its just an excuse, or maybe that how u actually feel. i might never know forever. Is it really what the internet is saying or generalising - nice guys are always left out.

As much as i would want to tell you how i feel, theres this part of me that doesnt want you to go through unnessecary stress with such little stuff. After all i can see that you are already so busy and stressed out from your work even though u seldom admit so. but i know i have got to say it out before i will be able to move it. Like how i did with my 1st crush/love. Without even asking, i guess it would be hard to continue. it might just take another 1-2 years before i will be able to open up again.

Regrets is all i have from all these expierences. Why didn't i learn from my first lesson in relationship. Confess your liking as soon as you are sure of it, or things will only go away as time pass. My 1st crush actually told me when i asked her years later that if i actually had asked her at that point of time, thing would have taken a turn of event and who knows i might be attached all the way till now. Yet this lesson is no where carved into my mind or i would not have made the same mistake again. Only time will tell if i will walk out of this and take away this lesson which i had left behind years ago.

Just minutes ago, she just finished watching her bf's match and the usual me was joking around with her and disturbing her. Suddenly her bf used her phone to reply me, somehow that pisses me off. i have no idea why and thinking about it, personally i am also open to people taking my phone and reading my msges, but shouldnt one exercise personal privacy. Does it mean i got to watch my language now or else he might see stuff he doesnt want to hear? but i guess thats quite impossible for if i were to say anything bad she would have defended him anyway. Though i might be somewhat close to the bf, i guess after this things would not be the same anymore. I don;t know if i will, but i guess if he gets too close to my comfort zone i might get irritated much easier than before.

Tomorrow is the 1st day the 3 of us are going out after knowing of this news. i seriously don't know what to do. Before the news i was wishing there wouldn't be training so i can meet her for movie and even if its the three of us its pretty ok. Now that i know, i cant hope for training more than ever in order to skip it. But with her showing so much concern and stuff i really couldnt say no or she might or might not think i am avoiding her at least that how i feel right now in the moment of typing. hopefully i will think otherwise tomorrow.

I shall end here after writing pretty much what has happened today and how i feel inside of me. all i can say is that thankfully i have an awesome listening ear friend mel, though we never met and maybe because of this, we are both open to sharing our personal problems which help the both of us ease some burden and though of the issue. thanks mel(:

Off to complete my report to submit tomorrow with my ice cold beer. Drinking so much these few days for i don't know what reason, for it doesnt ease anything i am feeling. i guess it just helps me sleep better.

Ciao~

TianFong