i am really lost at what to do now. i feel that my life is in a terrible mess and that i should pick myself up real soon before things get worse. but i really dont know how i can do that and move on, it just hurts qiute bad inside.

Yesterday we went out for movie the 3 of us. it was pretty ok at the start when we met and went for the movie. maybe cause it was in the cinema nothing much could happen anyway, though i do see that they are quire close inside. as much as possible i concentrated on the movie.

LEGO movie was awesome!.. its a must watch movie, glad i actually went to watch it.

After the movie, we went for tauhuay and chit chatted the time away till dinner. But as time pass, and the sky darkens, everything starts to get worse. i shouldnt have volunteer to go for dinner with them and just let them be. I shouldnt act so noble when i am not. I shounldnt act like i didn't care and it didn't matter when it was so terrible inside. As time pass i see them getting closer and closer, i mean the things they do are pretty normal for a couple, but i just couldnt bear to watch any additional minute of it. I decided to just rush off to meet my friend at holland V for a chill session. To them i guess i look like i was just rushing to meet my friend, but all i wan inside was to just leave before i cant control myself.

its lucky i have such bros in life. i must really remember to thank them for all the company they give. it really helps when someone is there for u. Thanks bros, and i mean u clee ray and cb! you are all awesome listener, though advice sometimes might be not what im looking for but i bet u all have your own view. i pray that u dont make the same mistake as me and find your loving partner (:

Today was practically a day wasted, i didnt want to do much except to lazy around. i didnt have the mood to study so i just wasted the day away. i was feeling fine and bored and decided to go for a run. wierd i guess, my kill time activity now is something i don't like to do, running. Evening was a rush with running, washing up, dinner and tuition. I went to grab a can of asahi to relax for the night hoping it will help me sleep but i guess the more i drink nowadays, the less useful it has become. i should really stop it. i can see that she really doesnt like it.

Sometimes i wonder, if i want to let her go, why should i think for her so much.  is it my character, or is it just that i cant truely let go of her, because i like her thats why i dont want to cause her trouble and confusion, because i like her thats why i dont wanna hurt her, because i like her so i dont want to see her cry. Is that why i am putting myself into such situation?.

lam ah lam, i really want to tell you so many stuff, i really want to be transparent to you like how we agreed we should be. But i really dont know how. I don't know what you reaction will be, happiness, confusion, awakardness?. Chatting with you tonight actually made me realise some stuff. My feeling should be just a one-way one. I guess you will only treat me as a "dad" or a junior or food buddy. This let me to think that i should tell u everything so that i can move on, but like i said. how could i.

From today onwards, i shall not drink again unless there is any occasion to. I promise i will pick myself up. ill try my best to be around so that when you need company but don't want to bother him, i'll come. I don't know why, its like i'm just trying to dig my grave even further, when i should be climb out of it and moving on.

I really wished i had asked early, even if i got rejected, at least it wouldnt be that bad now, where i have to keep everything inside.

Like how i told my bros ytd, whatever happens, i hope we can still be best friends and i will try my best to, it shall not be like my previous relationship where we become total strangers.

I dont know how tomorrow will turn out, will i break down when nite time comes? will it be like how it has always been? will he pop out suddenly and make me want to run away again? i just hope that even if it would be our last meeting for sometime, it wouldnt turn out sour or hurt u in anyway.

This sudden thought actually came to me now: so what if things change suddenly and i confess and you became my gf for whatever crazy reason it might be. how would things be? what would i feel? would it be like i won him? (which is totally dam bad and i would hate myself for it) or ill be plain happy as we are together. i really have no idea. Maybe becuase of now, i would not be able to make you happy as he as able to anymore.

i just got to take a stand and hold firm to it. i really hope i can do it.

Tian Fong