Things are starting to get better by the days. i guess time really does heal things that hurt. It kind of made me think today, how is it i was able to let go of it? I really wonder. It is that my feelings for her arent real? which is why i was able to feel better in after this period of time. Or was it that i managed to make myself determined enough to become just a friend and so long as she is happy. I just hope that my feelings that i have these few days are real and not just caused by some other stuff

Thinking back at my first relationship, it also didnt took me that long to feel normal. Roughly a week or so or maybe even less until i didn't feel a thing about it anymore, but whenever i do certain things i am still reminded of her, but i can feel that i have let go of it, but maybe the situation was different so i was able to let go faster, after all i saw her cheating on me.

i wonder sometimes, when i say something and i may not fully feel it, or acting normal when i am not at that point of time, how will others think. I know that in time it will be alright and everything will be back to normal, so i replied ok or alright, but definately at the point of question it may not be so, so does it make me a hypocrite? or am i just being nice as i dont wan to offend anybody or make someone hate me?

I just really hope that we will still be able to stay as foodie buddies and friends despite all these obstacles. If we really do, our friendship i guess can be said to be impossible to break anymore. Should you one day decide to leave its perfectly ok if your husband/boyfriend wants it to be so, i guess i will be sad but if u are able to find your happiness then, i should be happy for you and give you my best wishes (: Winnie the Pooh no.11 and 13 yo! :D

http://m.9gag.com/gag/a1A2RBP?ref=fb.s

If u ever somehow know of this and read it, please don't cry, your pretty face requires laughter not sadness.

Ciao

TF

Things have started to die down after sometime and my emotion are starting to to be controlled by me again. Just as my bad feeling predicted, it was a 3 man outing, but at least it wasnt as bad as before, not as bad as on monday when we went for movies. I guess its cause of how i decided to set my mind to be.

Its impossible for what i wish for to happen, so i shall assume another role in your life i guess. I hope i will be able to stay at there forever and not leave, its hard for me to leave you actually. Despite all the random talks we had on the way hope and some clarifications of how i find it awakard for 3 man outings now, honestly i never had the intention of leaving cause i know it would be pain both for me and you, if it doesnt for you i guess something is just wrong with me. All i wish for is that you have found your happiness (:

I guess reading that random chinese book about relationship at popular somewhat helped me at letting it go slowly, as well as the winnie the pooh words. At least i felt good today and not terrible like that day.

There isnt much to talk about today i guess. Dont really know if revealing so much of what i think to you is the right thing to do. It wasnt my intention too. Its so hard to balance out when we said to be honest and transparents as BFFs but there are so many things that you cannot know else trouble might be caused. telling you so much i guess has already made some what of an impact which i didnt want it too. I just hope i can keep whatever else that you don't know with me and let this be something burried down in my heart where nobody except my bros know.

Ill recover soon and be your foodie buddy and dad in no time. dont worry!

Ciao~

Tian Fong

i am really lost at what to do now. i feel that my life is in a terrible mess and that i should pick myself up real soon before things get worse. but i really dont know how i can do that and move on, it just hurts qiute bad inside.

Yesterday we went out for movie the 3 of us. it was pretty ok at the start when we met and went for the movie. maybe cause it was in the cinema nothing much could happen anyway, though i do see that they are quire close inside. as much as possible i concentrated on the movie.

LEGO movie was awesome!.. its a must watch movie, glad i actually went to watch it.

After the movie, we went for tauhuay and chit chatted the time away till dinner. But as time pass, and the sky darkens, everything starts to get worse. i shouldnt have volunteer to go for dinner with them and just let them be. I shouldnt act so noble when i am not. I shounldnt act like i didn't care and it didn't matter when it was so terrible inside. As time pass i see them getting closer and closer, i mean the things they do are pretty normal for a couple, but i just couldnt bear to watch any additional minute of it. I decided to just rush off to meet my friend at holland V for a chill session. To them i guess i look like i was just rushing to meet my friend, but all i wan inside was to just leave before i cant control myself.

its lucky i have such bros in life. i must really remember to thank them for all the company they give. it really helps when someone is there for u. Thanks bros, and i mean u clee ray and cb! you are all awesome listener, though advice sometimes might be not what im looking for but i bet u all have your own view. i pray that u dont make the same mistake as me and find your loving partner (:

Today was practically a day wasted, i didnt want to do much except to lazy around. i didnt have the mood to study so i just wasted the day away. i was feeling fine and bored and decided to go for a run. wierd i guess, my kill time activity now is something i don't like to do, running. Evening was a rush with running, washing up, dinner and tuition. I went to grab a can of asahi to relax for the night hoping it will help me sleep but i guess the more i drink nowadays, the less useful it has become. i should really stop it. i can see that she really doesnt like it.

Sometimes i wonder, if i want to let her go, why should i think for her so much.  is it my character, or is it just that i cant truely let go of her, because i like her thats why i dont want to cause her trouble and confusion, because i like her thats why i dont wanna hurt her, because i like her so i dont want to see her cry. Is that why i am putting myself into such situation?.

lam ah lam, i really want to tell you so many stuff, i really want to be transparent to you like how we agreed we should be. But i really dont know how. I don't know what you reaction will be, happiness, confusion, awakardness?. Chatting with you tonight actually made me realise some stuff. My feeling should be just a one-way one. I guess you will only treat me as a "dad" or a junior or food buddy. This let me to think that i should tell u everything so that i can move on, but like i said. how could i.

From today onwards, i shall not drink again unless there is any occasion to. I promise i will pick myself up. ill try my best to be around so that when you need company but don't want to bother him, i'll come. I don't know why, its like i'm just trying to dig my grave even further, when i should be climb out of it and moving on.

I really wished i had asked early, even if i got rejected, at least it wouldnt be that bad now, where i have to keep everything inside.

Like how i told my bros ytd, whatever happens, i hope we can still be best friends and i will try my best to, it shall not be like my previous relationship where we become total strangers.

I dont know how tomorrow will turn out, will i break down when nite time comes? will it be like how it has always been? will he pop out suddenly and make me want to run away again? i just hope that even if it would be our last meeting for sometime, it wouldnt turn out sour or hurt u in anyway.

This sudden thought actually came to me now: so what if things change suddenly and i confess and you became my gf for whatever crazy reason it might be. how would things be? what would i feel? would it be like i won him? (which is totally dam bad and i would hate myself for it) or ill be plain happy as we are together. i really have no idea. Maybe becuase of now, i would not be able to make you happy as he as able to anymore.

i just got to take a stand and hold firm to it. i really hope i can do it.

Tian Fong

I guess this has become an avenue for me to voice out my feeling without worrying people. Posting on facebook will only garner peoples attention and of which i didnt want her to worry. From texting her today i can see that she is really scared that i will avoid her (or maybe that might be my wishful thinking). Keep asking me if i am free to meet and stuff, but that maybe its just cause i am her "daddy".

Somehow i have self assumed myself to be of that position from i don't know when as i guess i was really showing concern which are more of what her dad will do and hence she decided to label me as somewhat her "daddy". I guess that it all i shall ever become in her mind forever. I don't know how long i can last as that.

I get pretty moody over small stuff recently, i wonder if its my mood swing periods agian. Though guys don't have periods, but i do believe that our hormone levels do change as well, and as a result mood will change. I was telling her about some newspaper article about how Singaporean singles are turning to mobile dating apps just for information and cause i felt it was interesting. Her reply kind of like shocked me i guess. I know she didn't meant it that way, it isnt her nature to mean it that way afterall she is a nice and loving person. But she re-iterating that shes attached wasnt really needed. I, for one, know it too clear, even more clear than she would be. Those words just stung like a bee on me for i don't know what reason, which kept me pretty off my usual mood in the morning.

Though not up to my best performance, but luckily and thankful we won the match today if not i might not forgive myself again for such a thing occuring agian. On the way back i tried to do something quite bad i must say, i sort of wanted to tell her how i felt, but the usual character of me stopped myself, and somehow i managed to phrase it in a joking manner which i hope she would not pick out any meaning from it. From her replies i can see that it might just be my own one sided feelings. i suppose she regards me as a best friend or even a "daddy" only. "I'm not a nice girl for you, you need a very very nice girlgirl" those were her words. Thats when reality actually hit me. i don't really know how to say or write it out now, but i guess that how i knew what she was thinking. Honestly how do you define nice as nice, and yourself as not nice, that the only thing that puzzles me. Maybe its just an excuse, or maybe that how u actually feel. i might never know forever. Is it really what the internet is saying or generalising - nice guys are always left out.

As much as i would want to tell you how i feel, theres this part of me that doesnt want you to go through unnessecary stress with such little stuff. After all i can see that you are already so busy and stressed out from your work even though u seldom admit so. but i know i have got to say it out before i will be able to move it. Like how i did with my 1st crush/love. Without even asking, i guess it would be hard to continue. it might just take another 1-2 years before i will be able to open up again.

Regrets is all i have from all these expierences. Why didn't i learn from my first lesson in relationship. Confess your liking as soon as you are sure of it, or things will only go away as time pass. My 1st crush actually told me when i asked her years later that if i actually had asked her at that point of time, thing would have taken a turn of event and who knows i might be attached all the way till now. Yet this lesson is no where carved into my mind or i would not have made the same mistake again. Only time will tell if i will walk out of this and take away this lesson which i had left behind years ago.

Just minutes ago, she just finished watching her bf's match and the usual me was joking around with her and disturbing her. Suddenly her bf used her phone to reply me, somehow that pisses me off. i have no idea why and thinking about it, personally i am also open to people taking my phone and reading my msges, but shouldnt one exercise personal privacy. Does it mean i got to watch my language now or else he might see stuff he doesnt want to hear? but i guess thats quite impossible for if i were to say anything bad she would have defended him anyway. Though i might be somewhat close to the bf, i guess after this things would not be the same anymore. I don;t know if i will, but i guess if he gets too close to my comfort zone i might get irritated much easier than before.

Tomorrow is the 1st day the 3 of us are going out after knowing of this news. i seriously don't know what to do. Before the news i was wishing there wouldn't be training so i can meet her for movie and even if its the three of us its pretty ok. Now that i know, i cant hope for training more than ever in order to skip it. But with her showing so much concern and stuff i really couldnt say no or she might or might not think i am avoiding her at least that how i feel right now in the moment of typing. hopefully i will think otherwise tomorrow.

I shall end here after writing pretty much what has happened today and how i feel inside of me. all i can say is that thankfully i have an awesome listening ear friend mel, though we never met and maybe because of this, we are both open to sharing our personal problems which help the both of us ease some burden and though of the issue. thanks mel(:

Off to complete my report to submit tomorrow with my ice cold beer. Drinking so much these few days for i don't know what reason, for it doesnt ease anything i am feeling. i guess it just helps me sleep better.

Ciao~

TianFong

OMG. twice in roughly a week?!. I must be feeling very wierd and stuff which indeed i am. She finally told me the news, which actually i kind of guessed it. But dont know why, i kind of reacted more off than i expected it to be. I kind of expected them to be together, but i guess i never learn do i. Deep down inside there is this teeny bit of hope and faith, praying that it might not happen. I guess maybe its cause of this teeny hope that cause it to felt so wierd, confused.

I'm like really happy for her, like serious, but somehow there was mixed feelings. Something else was mixed inside which i cant seem to explain it fully. Maybe it was just cause we were to close? The fear of losing her or drifting apart? or maybe i actualy taken a liking to her but just that i didnt want to admit it all along cause i didnt have the courage to, fearing rejection and losing a friend.

It will never be the same anymore. Although my mouth says something, my hearts thinks otherwise. Obviously i didn't want her to worry, she probably was fearing what i feared too before mustering the courage to tell me today. or perhaps i'm thinking too much again, maybe the thought never crossed her mind. We both hope that things will remain status quo, i mean the 3 of us always have been joking around together and crapping the time away, the only thing that has changed is just the relationship between you and him. She told me to never remove myself from the group and go for the gatherings, but as much as i want and could, there would be a limit i guess. Its not easy being a Chee Yee (i'm sorry for quoting u CY all the best in ur relationship!), I will try to be there the first few times and after that i wll begone. Don't want her to worry too much if i suddenly not go.

Its miraclous how i manage to joke and cheat myself away when she told me the news when i recall back. Even now when i think of it i would laugh. Being labelled a Raymond (sorry to quote too! you ain't bad and very nice don't worry) by myself to quickly skip the sentence so as the run away from reality. Maybe thats what i have been good at, putting up a happy front when terrible news occurs in order not to worry the other party.

Lucky for me, mel was around. THANKS MEL!. although u ain't gonna see it but really thanks for being around. though we never really met, you being around to listen to me was more than enough. i just needed a listening ear at that point of time.

Did quite many crazy things to kill the day and try to forget it but nothing really works until i sleep
lets see: Running; taking a stroll; drinking fruit juice that taste wierd; drinking cafe americano which i never ever tasted (very bitter but nice aroma and taste i must say); and now going to have an ice cold beer. Hopefully after all these and a nights rest i will recover for it, though things are still gonna feel wierd when i see her, and espcially when we 3 meet up.

I seriosuly have no idea how to solve the possible awakardeness we might face for next weeks movie meet up and the hongkong trip. It gonna be a hell load of... something which i cant explain. I really feel like just running away on an overseas trip during this recess week and go missing. Like go malaysia resort and relax away or something.

Guess what! its the 2nd time i faced something similiar like this i guess. But somehow this one was wierder because i am quite close to the guy and will see him often i guess. I can still remember the first time clearly.

對的人 不對的時間 卻放不掉 - (傻笑 - 周杰倫 & 袁詠琳)

practically sums what actually happened. Dont know if i should ask the same question again. Better not to as situations are slightly different now. If i really did i might confused her, or maybe if i do get an outright rejection it might have felt so much better and easier. But nope, doubt i will ask to confuse her now since she is the one attached and not me.

I must say if you even get you hands on this, which is unlikely as you arent as stalker-ish as me, or even to the level or hacking to find out truth. Its only been less than a year that we meet, but it really has been an awesome one. Its so amazing how we got to know each other and how things roll off from there. Hopefully and really hopefully, this friendship will last forever, or maybe daddy-ship since i am really just that now.

Time to try the new TIGER RADLER BEER! and rush up my report else i wouldn't have time the next few days. Hopefully i can drown myself in work and be as busy as possible to forget it, though things will always remind me about it constantly.

Ciao~


TianFong

或许我们早一点认识结局就会不一样

its been so long since i written, suddenly felt like i should pen down some feeling so that hopefully i will feel better after writing. I guess its call writing therapy?
It was valentines day yesterday, but just like any other year, i was without a date and it was alright, like seriously, but somehow, it just seems so much lonely than before. Its like even more lonely that after i broke up which is kind of odd. I really don't know how to explain it, but there is just this odd feeling inside. Maybe its cause i've met her within the last year? Could be. Or maybe its just a normal mood swing i have once in a while, where i feel so weird and all my emotions in me just go haywire. Jealousy? Boredom? Loneliness? hard to pinpoint to anyone of them. Its just me i guess, weird me acting up again.
Hopefully after writing everything out, i'll bury all these weird feelings deep inside this blog of "forgotten memories", though i never really did forget much actually.
Oh well! Time to go relax and enjoy the night i guess

Ciaossu~
=d