xiao tian tian =)

4:34 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Day 34 without you as my darling (23.01.11)

well...

i dunno if u still read my blog...

u never said anything much with regards to it..

so i guess u dun reeally visit it anymore.. ):

either way..

i shall note down wat im thinking and what ive did. (:

lets jus say its a way to let my emotions go loose and let everything out.

im gonna blog early today cos i have to travel to camp myself..

this week has been quiet a lonely one for me..

though its was very hectic and busy in camp..

but once nightfall arrives..

the emo me comes back again..

the 1st few days were still alright...

nearing the end of the week did things get harder to control..

i shall start with things in camp first..

lets see..

the whole week i was busy with preparing for IPPT and SOC..

quiet cool to be the one preparing the stuff and knowing all the admin stuff..

now tt i m in this position.. i will get in touch with all these stuff

knowing all the ''backstage'' work

and seeing how those admin site work so hard

jus to get trianing possible..

though it was very hectic and messy in a way

but i manage to pull it away and succeed (:

kind of happy tt this week was over..

and i also managed to apply my leave. (:

hopefully im able to spend some some time with u..

jus a little little will do..

im just left with 1 more week to think and prepare for u

though random thoughts keep coming into my mind..

but whether or not

my plan shall carry on..

i dunno whether this will be the last time

but i sure hope not..

this week i barely called u during the week..

as expected once school starts..

u will be a busy person again..

u text me saying u were studying at his house..

so i didnt want to call to disturb..

no matter how much i wanted someone to talk to..

since its just the start of the week i decided to jus ren..

hold it in.. maybe next few days can call.

on tuesday morning i was very happy (:

i dunno why..

jus cos u never stay overnight at his place..

i felt very elated knowing tt..

maybe its not because of me tt u didnt stay..

maybe is his parent not happy or ur sis..

but either way i jus felt cheerful tt day..

i choose to believe tt.. ^^

but as the days pass..

i can see..

ok more like hear..

tt u are very close with him..

it made me think of when we were in school..

mei shi mei ke.. as long as free

will be together.

i started to wonder is tt what is happening..

my heart jus sank on wed/thursday period..

everyday after school..

if u have nth on.. u will go his house to study..

well.. i cant comment or ask u not to..

after all im noone now...

jus hope u are enjoying urself and studying hard.. (:

on thursday night.. i really tot i can meet u on ffriday

to go catch a movie and dinner...

and go walk walk a while..

but u suddenly tell me need go bake cake..

i was like... kind of sad at first..

but thinking.. ehh its for beat right..

den my heart got better.. (:

i booked out quiet early on friday.. so i though i could walk around

and spend some time so tt u will finish baking

den we can at least meet a while..

but when i called and found out u are baking at his house.

i sort of breakdown..

this whole week we barely chatted

sum them all up its less than 3min i guess..

no matter how much i wanted to talk to you about my stuff

once i hear u are studying.. i jus stopped myself..

so u could concentrate..

i dun wan u to feel sad about results again..

i tried to control my feeling..

but by the end of the week.. on saturday..

a feeling of negligence came to me..

i feel insingnificant..

i feel so forgotteen..

i feel.. like a wasted nobody..

whether i lived or not.. it wouldnt make a difference to anybody..

when i send u breakfast on sat and u are not in..

im actually quiet sad.

cos i wun get to see u again for the week..

since im not see-ing you..

i decided to go find something to do..

so tt i wun think too much..

ends up..

i cant find anything

i ''played'' vball without enjoying as they were fooling around..

i tried to find clarence and chee but they were all busy..

im jus alone..

kudos to the great tf who always said he has more frens than u

ends up. when he really needed some company..

he cant find any..

since i cant find anybody i decided to go walk alone..

get my koi since i had a craving..

and after tt i decided to go walk ecp..

i know u were holding beat bday there..

so i decided to go there hoping to chance on fate i suppose

with ecp so big..

i doubt i can find u..

so i changed my objective to jus immerse myself in the place..

wanted to know why u like this place so much

often coming to this place..

i finally understand why.

its a very nice place to let ur emotions out i guess..

good scene and enviroment..

and a place of many good memories for u

during the period where

when many bad memories are given by me

i slowly walked from bedok... listening to my music..

and jus walking toward the direction of ecp

its the 1st time i walked from bedok so i dun really know how to go..

i jus follow the general direction and walked..

with my expert sense of direction i reached ecp..

i decided to walk to whole ecp at first..

started walking towards one end..

den i suddenly saw a tall guy with a short girl

OMG
its kok heng and sherley..

i guess its fate playing with me

such a big place yet i found u

but u werent around.. u went to buy ice.

i didnt want to show face so i jus carried on walking...

texted u but u never replied..

so i assume u were busy..

after reaching a certain point.. i U-turned and went back

decided to walk back to bedok and go home..

den i saw u back at the place..

i rmb the biscuit still with me so i wanted to pass u

but when i called and pass it to u

ur face doesnt seem very please..

im sorry i made u angry..

its selfish of me i guess.

i jus wanted to see u..

maybe tts wat my heart is telling me.

after passing u stuff i went home

though depressing but i force myself to go back.

i didnt want to bring u trouble nor agony..

thats when the feeling aggrevated..

during the 2hours trip back.

i didnt want to text u cos i dun wan u find me irritating..

and i know u are busy with the celebration.

i wanted to find someone to talk to.

i mass text a lot of ppl

yet nobody reply..

tts when i truely know im all alone.

when im so desprately finding someone to talk to except u

i cant find any.

not even a single soul replied me.

the 2 hours trip back was torturious for me..

i keep wanting to text u..

yet the other self told me not to.

ended up i gave in to loneliness and called u..

sorry i can last even a mere 2 hours without talking to u..

maybe i jus wan someone to hear me..

i jus wan someone to company..

this whole week i feel very neglected..

like nobody wants me..

everyone finds me a nusciance..

and everyone ignores me..

maybe tts why i keep irritate u..

cos i keep wanting to find u to talk to..

yet u seem so busy..

so i didnt..

i aint complaing to u..

jus wanna let u know how i feel..

i understand what is going thru ur mind..

and maybe possibily what u have already decided..

i dont mean to disturb u and interupt ur peacetime..

im sorry for everything i did to u..

sorry seems to be the only word i can tell you..

i hope our friendship wun die down..

i know what ever relationship we have..

be in friendship or ex.

its all very strained..

im sorry for causing tt..

there so much i wanna tell u

yet i dun wanna hurt u..

ARGH

there is a dumb fly biting me.

dam it..

im itching all over. ):):

shit tt fly lar..

hahahah

im goona prepare book in le..

hope i can call u tonight..

i really jus wanna hear ur voice and laugh and talk..

it jus gives me power and strenght to carry on i guess..

and today i finally understand hongjie's msn personal message.. (:

though there is many points im curious about..

but even if i ask u wun answer i guess..

i jus hope the best for the both of u..

though i do wish we can get back together..

tata zhi.

im gonna book back in le.

hope next week we can go out more k.

im sorry..

and thanks!..

byebye!!